In the earliest recorded history of the European nations – at that time called Celtic or Slavic kingdoms – marriage ceremonies were built around a practice called “handfasting”
The bride and groom would stand facing each other, cross their arms, and take hold of each other’s hands or wrists
In front of family and friends, they would pledge themselves to each other in marriage
The witnesses would take a strip of cloth and tie the wrists together
This would make them officially married for a year and a day – giving them adequate time to make their vows before a minister or priest
If they didn’t run into a priest in that amount of time, they would renew their commitment in the same way for another year – and maybe they would run into a priest in that time
The practice became less common as the church grew, and access to a minister or priest became easier
We have a number of phrases that come from that ancient ceremony
Tying the knot
Taking his hand in marriage
Getting hitched
Renewing your vows
Every recorded culture has had their wedding ceremonies
They all include a solemn pledge or vow of faithfulness made before a group of witnesses – family, friends, the local community
“I take you to be my husband or wife, to live together with you in a holy marriage
In sickness or in good health, in poverty or wealth,
I will love you, honor you, obey you
And forsaking all others, I will be faithful to you as long as we both shall live”
As the group of friends and family cheer
God himself acknowledges the vow
Joining the couple together in a sacred union
There is no wedding ceremony, however simple or grand, that God does not participate in
Marriage is sacred to him, and the commitment made between a couple is recognized by Him – whether done in a church or a back yard
Whether witnessed by a minister or a judge
God believes in faithfulness, he created us to live by a principle of purity
It is a part of our makeup, regardless of our religious beliefs or traditions
The promise of sexual faithfulness is so sacred to God
That breaking it is the one reason he accepts for divorce
God doesn’t like divorce for any reason
But he makes the concession to tolerate it for someone whose mate is unfaithful to them sexually
Matthew 19:9 “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, expect for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Those are strong and explicit words
They are God’s plan for a lifetime of fulfillment and intimacy between a man and woman
Those two become one in this spiritual, emotional and physical union
Individually and powerfully united by God himself
Separating that union is not man’s privilege
You don’t take something that God has joined and separate it
In all of our debates about the sacredness of life – abortion, euthanasia, suicide, the death penalty
There is nowhere in Scripture this kind of clear and specific language about any of them
Marriage is God’s domain
What makes a marriage succeed?
How do you find God’s ideal for intimacy between two people?
Here is God’s advice
A healthy marriage is built on two people who are experts on each other’s needs and desires
God knew that he made men and women very different
In the beginning, he called Eve the helper or completer
She was intended to be the things Adam was not
She thinks differently, reacts differently, and communicates differently
Nowhere is that more evident than in a couple’s physical relationship
So God’s ideal is that a husband and wife become experts on each other’s needs and desires
It won’t be intuitive
It will have to be learned
Men have sexual thoughts often during the day, some have suggested they think about sex as often as every 20 minutes
Women can go for hours, even days, without a sexual thought
That doesn’t mean that men are perverted or obsessed with sex and that women are cold and unfeeling
It is the natural way that God made them
Men are aroused visually, and women respond to touch and affection
Women who don’t understand that can be sending a message to a man by the way she dresses
that she never intended
Men who don’t understand how a woman thinks and responds can’t understand why she doesn’t get the message that he wants her affection
I believe there is tremendous help to be found in getting a book about the sexual relationship between and husband and wife, and reading it together
When you find one written by a couple with strong moral values, you begin an education process that will add to your intimacy
Read together, and talk about the subjects that are brought up
A healthy marriage is built on becoming an expert on your mates needs and desires
A healthy marriage is also built on an acceptance of shared ownership!
I Corinthians 7:1-5 “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife."
We hear the message regularly that “a woman has a right to decide what happens to her own body”
God defines ownership differently in marriage
He asks a married couple to share the ownership of their body with their mate
At a very young age girls learn the power they have over boys with their body
It becomes an instinctive way of interacting with men
Some use it more than others
Some wives withhold sex to gain power over their husbands
At a very young age boys learn the power they have over girls with romance
Some men withhold affection and romance to gain power over their wives
They find that anger and distance make their wife scared and anxious to please
That selfish behavior destroys intimacy
Share the ownership of your body to your mate
A healthy marriage is also built by having the character to run from trouble
You will be tempted to break your marriage vow
Pornography will attract you, a needy or helpful friend will make themselves available
Affairs don’t begin in a bedroom, they begin over a cup of coffee
They gain momentum between two people who lack the character to keep the vow of faithfulness they made to their mate before God
That compromise brings pain that lasts a lifetime, and affects the lives of your children and grandchildren
There will be few greater joys in life than the companionship and intimacy of a healthy marriage
Take the advice of the one who created marriage - faithfulness is the secret of intimacy!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Purity Principle: My First Kiss
Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.
- Song of Songs 1:2 (NLT)
At the end of their first date, the young man took her home and walked her to the door Something about the night gave him courage and he decided to go for that important first kiss
He leaned with his hand against the wall and giving her his best smile he asked, “How about a
goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's going to be awake at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody watching, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease? . . ."
The porch light went on, scaring them both
The front door opened, and the girl's younger sister stood there in her pajamas, her hair a mess
In a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But whatever you do tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
There is some definite electricity when the right two people find each other
I wouldn’t always call it love at first sight, but it is real
And it is exciting
Of all the things God created in those first six days – the beauty of nature, animals, sunsets, man
He followed up with a pretty great add-on a few days later
As Genesis 2 tells the story - God created Adam on the sixth day, and not long afterward, created Eve to be his wife
When God brought Eve to Adam, He introduced them to a physical gift that has brought intimacy between a man and a woman!
Accepting God’s advice on how to use that gift has been our challenge!
There aren’t any details given about how they spent those first days together
If God taught them to touch, to kiss - or if it was just an instinctive action
I am sure that it was very powerful
What we do know is that their sexual relationship was a gift from God
It tripled to their attraction to each other
They found great joy in touching and loving, being together
We use the word “intimacy” to describe their relationship
It means “To share with another person emotionally and deeply”
Someone called it “To be connected at the soul”
To know and feel each other’s heart
To be able to discuss any and every subject freely
To feel completely comfortable with opening your heart to another
You can laugh together, cry together, share each other’s pain
It is possible to feel that way toward another person without ever touching
In fact, that is the purpose and design of dating – to get to know each other’s soul
Hours on the phone, writing your thoughts in letters or on the internet
Every chance you get, you are together – you don’t want to be apart
Soon you are talking about a life-time commitment and getting married
In marriage, you share nearly everything – a name, a home, a bed, a future – just not a
toothbrush
Physical intimacy becomes a part of your life together
In God’s words, “two become one” - total intimacy – emotional, spiritual, sexual
Here is some advice from the giver of sex...
Directions from the creator of intimacy
Here is God’s design for “normal”
- Song of Songs 1:2 (NLT)
At the end of their first date, the young man took her home and walked her to the door Something about the night gave him courage and he decided to go for that important first kiss
He leaned with his hand against the wall and giving her his best smile he asked, “How about a
goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's going to be awake at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody watching, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease? . . ."
The porch light went on, scaring them both
The front door opened, and the girl's younger sister stood there in her pajamas, her hair a mess
In a sleepy voice she said, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But whatever you do tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
There is some definite electricity when the right two people find each other
I wouldn’t always call it love at first sight, but it is real
And it is exciting
Of all the things God created in those first six days – the beauty of nature, animals, sunsets, man
He followed up with a pretty great add-on a few days later
As Genesis 2 tells the story - God created Adam on the sixth day, and not long afterward, created Eve to be his wife
When God brought Eve to Adam, He introduced them to a physical gift that has brought intimacy between a man and a woman!
Accepting God’s advice on how to use that gift has been our challenge!
There aren’t any details given about how they spent those first days together
If God taught them to touch, to kiss - or if it was just an instinctive action
I am sure that it was very powerful
What we do know is that their sexual relationship was a gift from God
It tripled to their attraction to each other
They found great joy in touching and loving, being together
We use the word “intimacy” to describe their relationship
It means “To share with another person emotionally and deeply”
Someone called it “To be connected at the soul”
To know and feel each other’s heart
To be able to discuss any and every subject freely
To feel completely comfortable with opening your heart to another
You can laugh together, cry together, share each other’s pain
It is possible to feel that way toward another person without ever touching
In fact, that is the purpose and design of dating – to get to know each other’s soul
Hours on the phone, writing your thoughts in letters or on the internet
Every chance you get, you are together – you don’t want to be apart
Soon you are talking about a life-time commitment and getting married
In marriage, you share nearly everything – a name, a home, a bed, a future – just not a
toothbrush
Physical intimacy becomes a part of your life together
In God’s words, “two become one” - total intimacy – emotional, spiritual, sexual
Here is some advice from the giver of sex...
Directions from the creator of intimacy
Here is God’s design for “normal”
One man, one woman, together for life And a commitment to save the sexual union until after the "I do's" are said
I was talking with a friend who is dating someone regularly, starting to talk about marriage
He had a conversation with a co-worker who asked if we were living together
When he said no, they were confused
“How will you know if this is the right person?”
Would you buy a car without taking it out for a test drive?
Would you take a job without going in the office to look things over first?
How do you know if you are compatible?
Instead of poking holes in the common logic, let me tell you what God calls normal
Genesis 2:18 “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
One man, one woman, together for life
You will have good friends, of the same gender or the opposite gender
You will have a special relationship with your parents
But the plan is that you find a person of the opposite gender and commit yourself a lifetime
together
Matthew 19:6 “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Once you are together, don’t separate, don’t divorce
Keep going, whatever the crisis
Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage be kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Marriage is honorable, and 100% sexual purity is the way that works
Anything else that you do will bring God’s judgment, his discipline
He is very clear because he doesn’t want you to miss out
Find someone of the opposite gender
Leave your parents, get married, and stay faithful to each other until death
Boring? No! Instead God's "normal" is incredibly powerful
It is the foundation of intimacy
The recipe that works
If you need references, there are lots of them around you
Make a note about who is happy and who is still searching
Watch the couples who have lived together without being married
They have a basic disrespect for themselves and each other
There is a significant difference between “new” and “used”
No matter what your commitment level or love for each other, it is difficult to erase the “used” feeling between two people who have already been intimate with someone else
It will affect the rest of your life with them
The secret to passion and intimacy is following the advice of the one who created us
His “normal” is the pathway to intimacy.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I Prayed for this Child
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” (Hannah) - I Samuel 1:27-28
In the hill country about twenty miles north of Jerusalem, a young priest named Elkanah was raising his family
He had two wives – Hannah (whose name means “grace”), and Peninnah (whosename means “pearl”)
We don’t know why he had two wives, or chose to have two mother-in-laws
Maybe Hannah’s inability to have children prompted the second marriage
Peninnah had several children – she was a baby machine, but Hannah had none
And that issue dominated her life
Infertility is a very difficult burden to bear
Mother’s Day, Baby Dedication day, kid’s birthday parties
People smile at you and say well-meant things like, “When are you going to have a baby?”
It feels like a knife in your heart
Peninnah saw the look of pain in Hannah’s eyes when the subject came up, and she became merciless in her comments about Hannah’s inability to have children
Elkanah wasn’t much help – he was like a typical insensitive husband
“Sweetheart, why are you crying? Eat something.
Is it the baby thing again? Aren’t I worth more to you than ten sons?”
Guys, a little clue about talking to your wife
When she is upset, what she needs is someone to listen, not to give advice
You want to fix her problems, come up with a great solution
You don’t solve emotional problems with logic
“You can’t have babies? How about if I marry another woman and you can love her kids?
There, that will solve the problem! All right, stop the crying, I will ask Peninnah tomorrow!”
Emotional problems need a listener, not a solver
The family had a yearly tradition to visit the tabernacle in Shiloh
In one way it was an unbearable trip for Hannah – the kid thing would be brought up again
But in another way, it was the one chance a year Hannah had to pray at the temple
If God had closed her womb, as every religious expert seemed to think, then He was her best hope for opening it
She got up midway through the dinner and made her way to the temple
Through the gate, and past Eli the high priest
She found a quiet place, and began to pour out her heart
Bitterness and anger turned to pleading
Requests turned to bargains
“God, I’m so miserable. Please. Give me a son. I will give him back to you. He can serve you in this place. He can be all yours – no razor will touch his hair orbeard, no wine. Please God.”
What Hannah did not know
What Hannah could not know
Was that God was listening,
He had blessing ahead of her that she would never had imagined
Eli walked back into the temple and saw Hannah praying
She wasn’t praying out loud, but she was in obvious pain as she prayed
He thought she was drunk
“Don’t get drunk and come in here again”
She looked up at him through her tears and tried to understand why he was angry
“Oh, I’m not drinking. I’m beyond despair. I’m just praying.”
Eli looked at her thoughtfully, and said, “Go in peace. God will give you what you asked for”
Hope, blessed unexplainable hope
Hannah sang all the way back to the feast, sat down and began to eat like someonewho hadn’t eaten for days
Her eyes sparkled, she sang all the way home
That night as they were getting ready for bed she had that look in her eye that made Elkanah forget about everything else going on in his life
And, Hannah got pregnant
She named her little boy, Samuel, which means “I have heard from God”
For the next few years, Hannah didn’t go to the temple with her family, but stayed home with Samuel
When he was weaned, she packed all of his things into a bag, and told Elkanah about her promise and her plans
And she told her son goodbye
Literally, faithfully, she gave her son to God
If you have young children, then you have heard the statement, “Enjoy them now. They grow up all too fast.
”Someday they will move out (hopefully)
Begin a family of their own
Stop asking you for advice, stop checking to see what is in the refrigerator
You will be in the background of their lives
Still important, but not most important
When you die, they will mourn your passing, and go on
It felt like a death when Hannah walked her little boy to the temple that morning
He couldn’t understand her tears
He knew she was afraid, but he didn’t know what about
Hannah’s heart was breaking inside her
Giving up Samuel wasn’t the easy thing, but it was the right thing
How would he make it without her
Who would teach him the things he needed to learn as he grew up
Did God know how valuable this little guy was?
Yes he did
Solomon Rosenberg and his family were arrested and taken to a concentration camp
His mother and father, his wife and two boys were all with him
They had heard the terrible stories about what we now call the Holocaust
Life was cheap, the weak were taken away and never seen again
If you could work, you were worth something to the German guards
If you couldn’t, you exterminated
First they took his parents
And he knew that his youngest son David would be the next to be taken – he was small and frail
Every day Samuel would return to the barracks after a day of hard labor and search for his wife and boys
When he found them they would embrace and thank God for another day of life
Then the day came when he returned and didn’t see those familiar faces
Finally he saw his oldest son seated in a corner, sobbing
“Where is David?”
“They took him. He couldn’t walk back, and so they took him.”
“Where is your mother?”
“When they came for David, he was afraid, so mom took his hand and went with him”
There is no love greater than a mother feels for her children
And there is no risk more worth taking, than to relinquish them to the only One who loves them more than you
To offer them as Hannah offered Samuel
"God, I prayed for this child, and you granted me what I asked of you. So now I give him to you. For his whole life he will be given over to you.”
In the hill country about twenty miles north of Jerusalem, a young priest named Elkanah was raising his family
He had two wives – Hannah (whose name means “grace”), and Peninnah (whosename means “pearl”)
We don’t know why he had two wives, or chose to have two mother-in-laws
Maybe Hannah’s inability to have children prompted the second marriage
Peninnah had several children – she was a baby machine, but Hannah had none
And that issue dominated her life
Infertility is a very difficult burden to bear
Mother’s Day, Baby Dedication day, kid’s birthday parties
People smile at you and say well-meant things like, “When are you going to have a baby?”
It feels like a knife in your heart
Peninnah saw the look of pain in Hannah’s eyes when the subject came up, and she became merciless in her comments about Hannah’s inability to have children
Elkanah wasn’t much help – he was like a typical insensitive husband
“Sweetheart, why are you crying? Eat something.
Is it the baby thing again? Aren’t I worth more to you than ten sons?”
Guys, a little clue about talking to your wife
When she is upset, what she needs is someone to listen, not to give advice
You want to fix her problems, come up with a great solution
You don’t solve emotional problems with logic
“You can’t have babies? How about if I marry another woman and you can love her kids?
There, that will solve the problem! All right, stop the crying, I will ask Peninnah tomorrow!”
Emotional problems need a listener, not a solver
The family had a yearly tradition to visit the tabernacle in Shiloh
In one way it was an unbearable trip for Hannah – the kid thing would be brought up again
But in another way, it was the one chance a year Hannah had to pray at the temple
If God had closed her womb, as every religious expert seemed to think, then He was her best hope for opening it
She got up midway through the dinner and made her way to the temple
Through the gate, and past Eli the high priest
She found a quiet place, and began to pour out her heart
Bitterness and anger turned to pleading
Requests turned to bargains
“God, I’m so miserable. Please. Give me a son. I will give him back to you. He can serve you in this place. He can be all yours – no razor will touch his hair orbeard, no wine. Please God.”
What Hannah did not know
What Hannah could not know
Was that God was listening,
He had blessing ahead of her that she would never had imagined
Eli walked back into the temple and saw Hannah praying
She wasn’t praying out loud, but she was in obvious pain as she prayed
He thought she was drunk
“Don’t get drunk and come in here again”
She looked up at him through her tears and tried to understand why he was angry
“Oh, I’m not drinking. I’m beyond despair. I’m just praying.”
Eli looked at her thoughtfully, and said, “Go in peace. God will give you what you asked for”
Hope, blessed unexplainable hope
Hannah sang all the way back to the feast, sat down and began to eat like someonewho hadn’t eaten for days
Her eyes sparkled, she sang all the way home
That night as they were getting ready for bed she had that look in her eye that made Elkanah forget about everything else going on in his life
And, Hannah got pregnant
She named her little boy, Samuel, which means “I have heard from God”
For the next few years, Hannah didn’t go to the temple with her family, but stayed home with Samuel
When he was weaned, she packed all of his things into a bag, and told Elkanah about her promise and her plans
And she told her son goodbye
Literally, faithfully, she gave her son to God
If you have young children, then you have heard the statement, “Enjoy them now. They grow up all too fast.
”Someday they will move out (hopefully)
Begin a family of their own
Stop asking you for advice, stop checking to see what is in the refrigerator
You will be in the background of their lives
Still important, but not most important
When you die, they will mourn your passing, and go on
It felt like a death when Hannah walked her little boy to the temple that morning
He couldn’t understand her tears
He knew she was afraid, but he didn’t know what about
Hannah’s heart was breaking inside her
Giving up Samuel wasn’t the easy thing, but it was the right thing
How would he make it without her
Who would teach him the things he needed to learn as he grew up
Did God know how valuable this little guy was?
Yes he did
Solomon Rosenberg and his family were arrested and taken to a concentration camp
His mother and father, his wife and two boys were all with him
They had heard the terrible stories about what we now call the Holocaust
Life was cheap, the weak were taken away and never seen again
If you could work, you were worth something to the German guards
If you couldn’t, you exterminated
First they took his parents
And he knew that his youngest son David would be the next to be taken – he was small and frail
Every day Samuel would return to the barracks after a day of hard labor and search for his wife and boys
When he found them they would embrace and thank God for another day of life
Then the day came when he returned and didn’t see those familiar faces
Finally he saw his oldest son seated in a corner, sobbing
“Where is David?”
“They took him. He couldn’t walk back, and so they took him.”
“Where is your mother?”
“When they came for David, he was afraid, so mom took his hand and went with him”
There is no love greater than a mother feels for her children
And there is no risk more worth taking, than to relinquish them to the only One who loves them more than you
To offer them as Hannah offered Samuel
"God, I prayed for this child, and you granted me what I asked of you. So now I give him to you. For his whole life he will be given over to you.”
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